I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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