my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
