i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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