I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Someone signed my nipple.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
