you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm having to shit out rocks
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