I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
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I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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