When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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