Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
