Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just gift wrapped bread.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
