Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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