I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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