You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
