I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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