Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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