I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
