is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
