i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
