i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
