Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
