When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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