Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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