We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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