I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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