I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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