The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
