Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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