I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
