I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
