I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
