my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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