i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think my mom watched the whole time
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
