so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
only you would photoshop your dick
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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