i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
