Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
