i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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