So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
