So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
