i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
