So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
