why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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