I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
