I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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