I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
