The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
