Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
