This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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