watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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