Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
