Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize