lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
