Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
