So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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