You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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