He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
