My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
