omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
