I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
