Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
