my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
