There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
In America we eat man semen.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
