my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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