I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
