alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
